Chore Song

Transcript

OPHIRA EISENBERG, HOST:

You're listening to ASK ME ANOTHER from NPR and WNYC. I am Ophira Eisenberg and with me is our puzzle giant, John Flansburgh. And for our next game, titled Chore Song, let's say hello to Josh Snyder and Lynn Cartwright-Punnett.

(APPLAUSE)

EISENBERG: Josh, happy to have you all the way from Baltimore, where you are a rabbi. As a rabbi, do you have any wisdom for me?

JOSH SNYDER: Just, you know, keep doing what you're doing.

EISENBERG: Keep doing what I am doing.

(LAUGHTER)

EISENBERG: So what do you hate to clean, my friend?

SNYDER: I would say dusting. It's the only chore that punishes its doer for the exact reason why you're doing the chore itself - by sneezing all over the place.

EISENBERG: Oh, yes, that makes a lot of sense to me. You don't like dust, do you, Josh?

SNYDER: Not so much into dust.

EISENBERG: Lynn, you work in the nonprofit sector helping low-income seventh graders who are great at math. What does that mean?

LYNN CARTWRIGHT-PUNNETT: We find students who are in low-income schools who have exceptional potential in mathematics, and we get them summer programs and scholarships and cool stuff.

EISENBERG: Awesome. That's amazing.

(APPLAUSE)

EISENBERG: And do you have a pet peeve cleaning job? What is it?

CARTWRIGHT-PUNNETT: I hate cleaning hair out of the shower drain.

EISENBERG: Disgusting.

CARTWRIGHT-PUNNETT: It's just the worst, yeah.

EISENBERG: Yeah, and it's never yours, is it?

CARTWRIGHT-PUNNETT: Oh, no, it's never mine. It's always my roommate's.

EISENBERG: Yeah, disgusting.

CARTWRIGHT-PUNNETT: Yeah, always.

EISENBERG: Well, we have one heck of a music game for you. Filling in for our house musician Jonathan Coulton, I am so pleased to welcome back the man with the golden keyboards, Julian Velard.

(APPLAUSE)

EISENBERG: Now, Julian, do you know what the primary activity people do while listening to our show?

JULIAN VELARD, BYLINE: I mean, I'm an avid podcast listener. And usually when I listen to podcasts, I'm walking around and doing errands or around the house doing chores.

EISENBERG: A matter of fact, that is exactly what our listeners do. They told us that they wire guitar amps.

VELARD: (Laughter) All right, I can appreciate that.

EISENBERG: They make bread and pastries.

VELARD: OK.

EISENBERG: And they yell at their kids.

(LAUGHTER)

VELARD: Well, we are glad to help you pass the time. In fact, this game is an ode to housekeeping. We've rewritten the lyrics to that Elton John classic "Your Song" to be about various routine chores. Just ring in when you know which chore I'm singing about. The winner will move on to our Ask Me One More final round at the end of the show. Prepare yourself.

EISENBERG: I'm ready.

VELARD: (Singing) It's a little bit scummy, this soap residue. I'm not one of those who can let it accrue. My bathroom is filthy, and to fight this grunge, I'll clean the stall tile with my trusty sponge.

(LAUGHTER)

EISENBERG: OK, now you guys have to ring in and guess the chore.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

EISENBERG: Lynn.

CARTWRIGHT-PUNNETT: Cleaning the bathroom?

EISENBERG: Yeah, yeah.

VELARD: Yeah, yeah.

(APPLAUSE)

EISENBERG: Cleaning the shower specifically, but we'll go with cleaning the bathroom, yeah. Well done. I can tell this would be my mother's favorite game already. I can just tell, if she listened to the show.

VELARD: The cleaning part or the Elton John part, which one?

EISENBERG: (Laughter).

VELARD: All right.

(Singing) Wish I had a gardener, but then again no, or a tool that's real noisy and makes tree debris blow. But this tool is broom-like, makes my backyard bare. I'll get exercise and some fresh fall air.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

EISENBERG: Josh.

SNYDER: Raking.

EISENBERG: Yeah, raking.

VELARD: Yeah, yeah.

EISENBERG: Raking, yeah.

(APPLAUSE)

EISENBERG: I paused - you are totally right because I paused 'cause I was like but it's raking leaves. And then I was like, what else would they be raking, Ophira?

(LAUGHTER)

EISENBERG: Although I do remember in - like, as a child because there was a lot of shag carpet still that there was carpet rakes. People had carpet rakes.

VELARD: That sounds really gross.

EISENBERG: And, like...

(LAUGHTER)

EISENBERG: And the carpet, if you raked it, it would be all smooth one way, and I swear to God - and if you walked on it, it would make kind of prints for the carpet. And my mother would rake behind us like she wanted no physical evidence that we existed. Like, she would literally just rake behind us. Anyways, I just went to kind of a weird memory there. Thanks, Josh.

(LAUGHTER)

EISENBERG: It's OK. My mom isn't listening, so I don't have to worry. It's fine.

VELARD: OK.

EISENBERG: She thinks I'm a doctor.

(LAUGHTER)

VELARD: All right, I'm going to play the song.

EISENBERG: Yeah, keep playing.

VELARD: OK.

(LAUGHTER)

VELARD: (Singing) And you can tell everybody, my home is sound. I climb that ladder twice a year. I'm safety bound. Fire prevention, fire prevention, don't want flames where I dwell. To stop random beeping, I must replace that cell.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

EISENBERG: Josh.

SNYDER: Changing the battery on your fire alarm?

VELARD: Yes.

EISENBERG: Yeah.

>>VELARD It's weird - these words are like very fitting to the song.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

(APPLAUSE)

EISENBERG: It works perfectly.

VELARD: It's like I feel like this is how the song goes now. I don't know.

(LAUGHTER)

EISENBERG: Right?

VELARD: I don't know what that means.

EISENBERG: It's from Elton John's "Greatest Chores, Volume Two."

VELARD: Yes.

(LAUGHTER)

VELARD: (Singing) I stood by the bed and kicked off the cat. If she stays while I do this, well, these socks won't lay flat. While the smell of Snuggle permeates my pores, I will make these clothes fit inside my drawers.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

EISENBERG: Lynn.

CARTWRIGHT-PUNNETT: Folding the laundry and putting it away.

EISENBERG: Yeah, folding the laundry.

(APPLAUSE)

VELARD: Chores.

(Singing) Now I'll head to the driveway and drag out my hose. I'll fill up my bucket, make some rags from old clothes. Turtle wax and Shammys get it really clean. I'll make it the sweetest ride you've ever seen.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

EISENBERG: Lynn.

CARTWRIGHT-PUNNETT: Washing the car.

EISENBERG: Washing the car.

VELARD: Yes.

(APPLAUSE)

EISENBERG: Correct. That sounds like that actually could have been in the song.

VELARD: Absolutely. In the actual lyrics about like, you know, kicking moss off a roof, why couldn't he be washing a car?

EISENBERG: Yeah, but it's also the way you sing it.

VELARD: Oh, well, no.

EISENBERG: It's beautiful.

VELARD: It's all right.

(APPLAUSE)

VELARD: I really feel like - I feel an obligation to the writers of the show to really, you know, do these lyrics justice. They've slaved over them. And these are - this is someone's heart here on these papers.

(LAUGHTER)

VELARD: (Singing) And you can tell everybody, my thumb is green. I've got the best ficuses you've ever seen. My philodendra, my philodendra, English Ivy yellow. Yeah, my indoor garden just needs H2O.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

EISENBERG: Lynn.

CARTWRIGHT-PUNNETT: Watering the plants.

EISENBERG: Watering the plants is correct.

(APPLAUSE)

VELARD: This is the last clue.

(Singing) I clear a pathway, I clear a pathway, push those ice crystals back. I'll dress warm and take breaks, don't want a heart attack.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

EISENBERG: Josh.

SNYDER: Shoveling snow.

EISENBERG: Shoveling snow.

VELARD: Yes.

(APPLAUSE)

EISENBERG: Our contestants, you did fantastic. Well done. But, Lynn, you are going to be moving on to our final round at the end of the show. Thank you.

(APPLAUSE)

EISENBERG: And how about a hand for Julian Velard?

(APPLAUSE)

EISENBERG: Julian will be coming back later in the show to help us get in a Nightvale state of mind.

(APPLAUSE) Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.