Lewis Black: Which Is Worse?

Transcript

OPHIRA EISENBERG, HOST:

You're listening to ASK ME ANOTHER from NPR and WNYC. I'm Ophira Eisenberg and with me is our one-man house band Jonathan Coulton and our puzzle guru Greg Pliska. Let's now welcome our Very Important Puzzler. You know from his regular appearances on "The Daily Show" and his stand-up specials, it's comedian Lewis Black.

(APPLAUSE)

LEWIS BLACK: These are desperate times.

(LAUGHTER)

EISENBERG: I know that you tour constantly. I was just thinking of all the different venues you have played - theaters, comedy clubs, plenty of basement, I'm sure.

BLACK: Oh, yeah, a bowling alley.

EISENBERG: (Laughter) Bowling alley. But I would love to know, has anyone ever considered it a great idea for their birthday, their anniversary, perhaps, as some sort of fun private party to hire you?

BLACK: That's such a beautiful setup. And we really didn't discuss this at all.

EISENBERG: No.

(LAUGHTER)

BLACK: I had a call from Norman Lear. Norman Lear who gave us "All In The Family" and all in the family feud.

(LAUGHTER)

BLACK: And this is 15, 20 years ago. So I'm just starting to do well and he goes, hi, this is Norman Lear. And I believe, in my heart of hearts, that my life is going to be changed.

(LAUGHTER)

EISENBERG: Of course you do.

BLACK: Quite obviously he has written something and wants me in it and the sad days are over.

(LAUGHTER)

BLACK: And he said to me, I don't know if you have ever thought about doing something like this. And I'm going, yes I have, yes I have. He said, but have you ever performed at a bar mitzvah?

(LAUGHTER)

BLACK: The one thing his son wanted was for me to perform in his bar mitzvah. So it's like I'm screwed. What do you do, you know? I'm Jewish for starters. So it's - let's smash this kid's dreams.

(LAUGHTER)

BLACK: No, tell your kid screw him and his stinking bar mitzvah. And I did a bar mitzvah. I did it.

(LAUGHTER)

EISENBERG: How much time did you have to do?

BLACK: It seemed like a year.

(LAUGHTER)

EISENBERG: I love knowing that you kind of started standup as a hobby for lack of a better term.

BLACK: It was a hobby.

EISENBERG: Yeah, because you went to Yale Drama School.

BLACK: Yeah.

EISENBERG: And received an MFA and became a playwright.

BLACK: Yeah. I really thought I'd make a living at it. So - which was psychotic.

(LAUGHTER)

EISENBERG: I have to say, I've never heard someone say I had to get into standup to make money though. I've never heard that.

(LAUGHTER)

BLACK: Well, at that point, I was doing it. I ran a club in New York called the West Bank Cafe. It had a theater downstairs and I hosted every show. All of a sudden the comedy seemed to be what they were attracted to. Meanwhile, I'm going, I've got this play.

(LAUGHTER)

BLACK: The real turning point was I went to Houston, had a play done there, thought that this was it, I'd made it. And it was one of the most horrible experiences of my life. I thought I've finally made it to where I want to be and they're treating me - I mean, they were just - it was - when I think back, it's like, oh, that was an abusive orphanage.

(LAUGHTER)

BLACK: And it was horrible, the whole experience. Everything they taught me was a lie. The whole thing was awful. So I went across town to just audition at a comedy club and they offered me a headline shot. And it was the same amount of money that I was making for the play that I'd spent three years with a friend writing - a musical - a musical.

(LAUGHTER)

BLACK: Yeah. I knew where the money was.

(LAUGHTER)

EISENBERG: So when you were doing this club in Houston where - that gives you your break and you're starting to do standup. Are you ranting then?

BLACK: What I had not learned is that to do something other than rant. So it was 55 minutes where I would start bellowing like a lunatic and then top myself. My friend Kathleen Madigan, another comic, said - she said, do you realize that for eight minutes the audience isn't laughing?

(LAUGHTER)

BLACK: They're scared to death.

(LAUGHTER)

BLACK: And I said I had no idea. But it eventually, you know, once - then I learned too modulate it a little

EISENBERG: Right. Build some peaks.

BLACK: Yeah. You know, peaks and valleys and stuff. And now - and now that I give them a little more valleys at times and don't yell as much they go, oh, he got tired.

(LAUGHTER)

BLACK: Idiots.

(LAUGHTER)

EISENBERG: OK, Lewis, we're going to quiz you later in the show but right now we're going to find out more about you in this next quiz called The Worst.

And our next contestant is on the line. Hi, you're on ASK ME ANOTHER.

AMY ROBINSON: Hi, this is Amy Robinson from Atlanta, Georgia.

EISENBERG: Hello, Amy.

ROBINSON: Hi.

(APPLAUSE)

EISENBERG: Amy, what do you think is the worst, or one of the things to you that is the worst?

ROBINSON: Oh, I think one of the things that probably, you know, makes me want to jab a pencil in my eye is when people, you know, just kind of ignore stuff that's right in front of them and say nope, I'm going to believe this other thing instead. You know, like, there's mountains of scientific evidence in front of them and instead they just go no, I don't believe that, nevermind that (laughter). Oh, I got applause for that.

EISENBERG: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

BLACK: (Laughter).

EISENBERG: So, yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

BLACK: You're so perky.

(LAUGHTER)

BLACK: It's what I love about the South. They're so happy.

EISENBERG: They are so happy. OK, so this game is called The Worst. Amy, in Lewis's Comedy Central show "Root Of All Evil" he had to decide which of two people or things were the root of all evil, like Donald Trump or Viagra, which you would say...

BLACK: Donald Trump.

EISENBERG: Donald Trump.

BLACK: Donald Trump. As a matter of fact the answer to every question, Amy, is Donald Trump.

(LAUGHTER)

EISENBERG: So, Amy, we've given him some brand-new things to get angry about and you have to tell us which of each pair did Lewis think was the worst.

ROBINSON: OK.

EISENBERG: And if you get enough questions right we will send you an amazing ASK ME ANOTHER prize.

ROBINSON: Yay. I'm so excited. I don't guess the prize would be Lewis playing my son's bar mitzvah.

(APPLAUSE)

BLACK: My price has gone up.

(LAUGHTER)

EISENBERG: All right, here we go. We asked Lewis Black which is the worst - the TSA or the NSA?

ROBINSON: That's a good one. I would probably say the TSA because he travels a fair amount and they're a pain [bleep].

BLACK: Wow, you're, like, inside my head.

(LAUGHTER)

BLACK: Yeah, I used to say it was the people in - when I was in school, audiovisual aids, the people who, like, brought in the projectors and stuff - that group - and now they finally get to put on uniforms and really kick [bleep].

(LAUGHTER)

EISENBERG: The disappearing middle class or corporations as people - Amy, which one did Lewis Black think is the worst?

ROBINSON: Oh, I - this is just - my gut reaction is corporation as people, but I'm wrong, obviously.

BLACK: We were moving toward a really spiritual marriage.

ROBINSON: (Laughter).

BLACK: No, the only - you know why I picked the disappearing middle class? Because corporations as people, you can actually - we can go to the court system and we can redo that nonsense. That can be redone. I don't know how we're getting the middle class back unless there's leadership (laughter).

(LAUGHTER)

EISENBERG: I would like to hear the word leadership followed by that laugh just, like, all the time.

BLACK: (Laughter).

ROBINSON: It's your new ring tone, Ophira.

EISENBERG: It would be amazing.

(LAUGHTER)

EISENBERG: Helicopter parents or toddler beauty pageants.

ROBINSON: Oh.

EISENBERG: I know.

ROBINSON: Aren't they the same thing (laughter)?

EISENBERG: I know, well, one does create the other.

ROBINSON: I would say the toddler beauty pageants just 'cause I think that's horrible, yeah.

BLACK: And you're right.

(LAUGHTER)

BLACK: They truly are. Toddler beauty pageant - those are just so freakish on so many levels, just beyond disturbing. I mean, beyond any - it's like some sort of cartoon come to life that's evil.

(LAUGHTER)

EISENBERG: Right, exactly, small, little things with big lipstick on and sparkly costumes being sexy. It's disgusting.

BLACK: (Groaning).

(LAUGHTER)

EISENBERG: Let's bring it up a notch.

BLACK: (Laughter).

EISENBERG: Here is your final question - artisan foods or soy milk.

ROBINSON: Soy milk 'cause there's no soy booby.

BLACK: (Laughter) She's good.

EISENBERG: Wow.

(LAUGHTER)

BLACK: That's exactly it. It's not milk. They squeeze a bean.

(LAUGHTER)

BLACK: And it's disgusting. It's disgusting in a latte. It's disgusting. It's disgusting in coffee. It's horrific. I don't care if they flavor it.

(APPLAUSE)

BLACK: I would rather be at a coffee place and a goat be on the counter and I'd squeeze it.

(LAUGHTER)

BLACK: There's one for the books.

EISENBERG: I...

BLACK: (Laughter).

EISENBERG: Someone is building that business right now.

BLACK: (Laughter).

EISENBERG: Amy, congratulations, you did well enough for us to be sending you...

(APPLAUSE)

EISENBERG: An ASK ME ANOTHER Rubik's cube that we forced Lewis Black to sign...

BLACK: Yeah.

EISENBERG: For you.

ROBINSON: Oh, that's awesome, thank you.

EISENBERG: You're welcome, we'll figure out the details of the bar mitzvahs later. Thank you so much, Amy. And thank you, Lewis Black, for being an amazing guest.

BLACK: Thank you.

(APPLAUSE)

EISENBERG: We will see you a little later in the show for your own challenge. You know what's the worst? Knowing all the answers and having no record of it, so to be a contestant on ASK ME ANOTHER, send us an email to askmeanother@npr.org. Do it.

(APPLAUSE) Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.