Limericks

Transcript

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Coming up it's Lightning Fill in the Blank, but first it's the game where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on air, call or leave a message at 1-888-Wait-Wait. That's 1-888-924-8924, or click the contact us link on our website waitwait.npr.org. There you can find out about attending our weekly live shows here at the Chase Bank Auditorium in Chicago and our show this August 29th at Tanglewood in the Music Shed in Massachusetts. Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT...DON'T TELL ME!

ANDREW GRUBB: Hi, Andrew calling from Oakville.

SAGAL: Where is Oakville?

GRUBB: Oakville's - it's a suburb of Toronto.

SAGAL: You're a Canadian.

GRUBB: Indeed I am.

SAGAL: Oh, wow, that's very exciting.

GRUBB: Well, for some people.

(LAUGHTER)

PAULA POUNDSTONE: I can't tell you - and the sound of your dimes dropping into the coin return in a soda machine is like imbedded in my brain.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: They do that. That is...

POUNDSTONE: You know, that disappointing clink when you realize, oh, for Christ's sake, it was the only dime I had. And you keep trying it again thinking maybe the machine won't realize and then dink, dink, dink, dink.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Andrew, could you do something about that maybe? First, Andrew, I want to welcome you to the show. Bill Kurtis is going to read you three news-related limericks with the last word or phrase missing from each. If you could fill in that last word or phrase correctly on two of the limericks, you will be a winner. Ready to go?

GRUBB: Definitely.

SAGAL: Here is your first limerick.

BILL KURTIS: Our pet sent us postcards from Prague. We met someone sniffing a log. We tried to go over, instead we sent Rover, our vacation funds spent on our...

GRUBB: Dog?

SAGAL: Yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: New York's Paw Seasons Dog Hotel is offering a luxury dog vacation for the low, low price of $70,000. That gets your dog massages, a designer wardrobe for their stay, grooming and a chauffeur, which is French for a dog walker in a tuxedo.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Alternatively, you can keep the $73,000 and let your dog roll around in the spot where that bird died.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Just as happy.

POUNDSTONE: Wow.

SAGAL: All I want to know is why in the world didn't they call their luxury hotel for dogs the Fur Seasons?

(LAUGHTER)

JESSI KLEIN: Oh, Peter.

POUNDSTONE: This is the fourth time you've gotten that reaction.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Are you keeping count?

POUNDSTONE: Just a little hash mark here on the paper.

SAGAL: OK. I understand.

(LAUGHTER)

KLEIN: I always just think about the person who has to massage a dog and just - I think about them just seeing their whole life right in front of them the whole time.

(LAUGHTER)

KLEIN: It's like, how am I massaging a dog?

(LAUGHTER)

KLEIN: Like, I'm the one who has to - like the dog is getting the massage.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHER)

KLEIN: I'm massaging the dog. The dog's on vacation. I'm working.

(LAUGHTER)

KLEIN: I am massaging a dog.

ALONZO BODDEN: I've always thought that that's like the greatest con in the world that you sold - somebody's paying you to massage a dog. Like people pet dogs all day long.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Yeah.

BODDEN: But I'm not - no, I'm not petting your dog, I'm massaging your dog.

KLEIN: So you think they're happy?

BODDEN: And that's going to cost you $500 an hour.

SAGAL: Yeah.

BODDEN: They're happy because you only sell that service to a rich person. Nobody's saving up money to get the dog massaged.

(LAUGHTER)

KLEIN: Right.

SAGAL: Here, Andrew, is your next limerick.

KURTIS: The gifts that I give look like crap, I think paper and tape are a trap, but I found a roll that I can control, now presents I'm able to...

GRUBB: Wrap.

SAGAL: Yes, indeed.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Men can do a lot of things.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: We can eat, we can think about eating, we can regret eating. But one thing men cannot do is wrap presents successfully. You know this. You've seen presents wrapped by men. They don't look good. Fortunately now there is the Man Wrap that is a device that helps men wrap presents without need for coordination or giving a damn about how you wrap a present.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: The maker's promise Man Wrap 2.0 will help the man remember to buy the present in the first place.

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: They've had Man Wrap in every store for years. Up on the top floor in the back by the restrooms there's an old lady and you pay her $5 and she wraps the gifts.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Here is your last limerick.

KURTIS: As I'm running around city blocks, my feet are absorbing the shocks. The miles I've forgotten are stored in white cotton, a computer's sewn into my...

GRUBB: Socks.

SAGAL: Socks, yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: You said that with such resignation. If you've been looking for the world's most bitter computer chip, look no further than the one that got sewn into Sensoria, the new computerized sock. It gives you data on how much you've walked and calories burned plus thermal data on the dark dystopian hellscape that is the inside of your old running shoes.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: So, Bill, how did Andrew do on our show?

KURTIS: Well, you know, he gets good news because he won.

SAGAL: Yes, he did. Well done, Andrew.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Meaning you'll win our prize. You'll have one of the few editions of Carl Kasell's voice in Canada. Good luck and thanks so much.

GRUBB: Thanks.

SAGAL: Bye-bye.

POUNDSTONE: Good job, Andrew.

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC) Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.