Limericks

Transcript

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Coming up, it's Lightning Fill In The Blank. But first, it's the game where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on air, call or leave a message at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Or click the contact us link at our website, waitwait.npr.org. There you can find out about attending our weekly live shows back at the Chase Bank Auditorium in Chicago, Illinois. And our upcoming show is at Red Rocks in Colorado on July 10 and at Tanglewood in Lenox, Massachusetts on August 28. Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT ...DON'T TELL ME.

TOM MCCARRY: Hi, Peter. This is Tom. I'm calling from New York, New York.

SAGAL: Hey. How are things in New York?

MCCARRY: Oh, they're excellent.

SAGAL: What is it like living in the second nicest city in America?

(LAUGHTER)

MCCARRY: Oh, it's eautiful.

SAGAL: The people here in Madison think I mean them.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Tom, welcome to the show. Bill Kurtis is going to read you three news-related limericks with the last word or phrase missing from each. If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly on two of the limericks, you'll be a big winner. Are you ready to play?

MCCARRY: Most definitely.

SAGAL: Here is your first limerick.

BILL KURTIS, BYLINE: In prison, despite guilty pleas, a goat's brimming utter I squeeze. As I'm doing time, I'm washing the rind. My sentence is spent making...

MCCARRY: I'm going to say wine.

(LAUGHTER)

MCCARRY: Or maybe time?

SAGAL: We're looking for something that rhymes with the first two lines. Why don't we hear it again?

KURTIS: In prison, despite guilty pleas, a goat's brimming utter I squeeze. As I'm doing time, I'm washing the rind. My sentence is spent making...

MCCARRY: Oh, my goodness.

SAGAL: Reminder - we are in Wisconsin.

MCCARRY: Oh, boy. Cheese.

SAGAL: Yes, cheese.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

KURTIS: Good for you, Tom.

SAGAL: You know, that fancy, artisanal goat cheese you're so proud of when you serve it to guests? It's made by artisans in the arts of carjacking and identity theft. Two thousand inmates in Colorado have been put to work assisting goat cheese makers. You know what's going to happen is, like, this stuff is going to get around and foodie snobs will be in Whole Foods going, like, excuse me, but is this chevre inmate made? Oh, yes sir. You can look up on the wall where we was list our producers and see their mugshots.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Here is your next limerick.

MCCARRY: All right.

KURTIS: My babies are home. I'm in France, but my thumb stays green given the chance. Up to three times a day, I'm mist and I spray. I use FaceTime to chat with my...

MCCARRY: Oh.

SAGAL: It rhymes with France. It rhymes with chance. It might be...

MCCARRY: Oh, wow. Plants.

SAGAL: Yes, plants.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Miss talking to your plants when you go on vacation? Good news. You can now video chat with your plants thanks to a new app from MIT that also lets you water them remotely. You think it's going to be great. But it will be just like FaceTiming with people. Your ficus will be pretending to talk to you, and you know it's just going to be looking at PlantBook.

(LAUGHTER)

MAZ JOBRANI: I hate FaceTime because I do it with my kids. They're 3, and they're 5.

SAGAL: Yeah.

JOBRANI: And it's always the fantasy of this phone conversation where they're going to talk to me is a lot better than the actual conversation.

SAGAL: Right.

O'ROURKE: Oh, yeah. Totally.

JOBRANI: I always think, oh, they're going to say, daddy, we did this, we did that. But they take it. They go hey, daddy. And then they put it on the ground and they leave.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: So you get to have a long conversation with the ceiling.

JOBRANI: With the ceiling. That's it. I hate FaceTime.

SAGAL: We got one more limerick here. Here we go.

KURTIS: OK, Tom, don't over think it. I'm feeling bad here.

(LAUGHTER)

MCCARRY: I got a pen out this time.

SAGAL: Be Zen, be Zen. Here we go.

KURTIS: This helmet has lasers installed 'cause my follicles I need to scald. Its pain and joy both 'cause it stimulates growth. And I will no longer be...

MCCARRY: Bald.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Right. Yes.

KURTIS: He got it.

SAGAL: He did.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Very good.

KURTIS: All right.

SAGAL: There are dozens of ways to deal with baldness. There's Rogaine. There's hair plugs. There's settling for a career in radio.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: But now, scientists have developed something they claim really works. It's a baldness helmet. It looks like a Storm Trooper helmet. It makes - especially of appealing to bald nerds. It uses laser beams to stimulate growth - also appealing to bald nerds. The downside to the helmet is that is costs $800. And instead of walking around with no hair, you're walking around wearing an laser helmet.

(LAUGHTER)

O'ROURKE: Girls dig them.

SAGAL: Bill, how did Tom do on our quiz?

KURTIS: Tom, the audience has all thumbs up for you. So you're a winner.

(APPLAUSE)

MCCARRY: Thank you.

SAGAL: Thanks so much for playing.

MCCARRY: Thank you. Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.