Limericks

Transcript

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Coming up, it's Lightning Fill In The Blank. But first, it's the game where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on air, call or leave a message at 1(888) WAITWAIT. That's 1(888) 924-8924. Or click the Contact Us link on our website waitwait.npr.org. There, you can find out about attending our weekly live shows back at the Chase Bank Auditorium in Chicago, Illinois, and check out the latest "How To Do Everything" podcast. This week, Mike and Ian expose the shocking secret habits of Chicago Cubs fans. Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT ...DON'T TELL ME.

ERIN NICKELSBURG-LIMS: Hi, this is Erin calling from Eagle River, Wisconsin.

SAGAL: Eagle River, Wisconsin.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: We've got some Wisconsinites and Cheeseheads right in front of us. Are you trapping and fishing and doing that sort of Midwestern stuff?

NICKELSBURG-LIMS: Oh, lots of Midwestern stuff - waterskiing and lots of fishing.

SAGAL: Did you know waterskiing was invented in Minnesota?

NICKELSBURG-LIMS: I am not surprised.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: There you are. Of course, it was iceskiing. Well, welcome to the show, Erin.

(LAUGHTER)

NICKELSBURG-LIMS: Thank you.

SAGAL: Now, Bill Kurtis is going to perform for you three news-related limericks with the last word or phrase missing from each. If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly in two of the limericks, you will be a big winner. Ready to go?

NICKELSBURG-LIMS: I am ready.

SAGAL: Here is your first limerick.

BILL KURTIS, BYLINE: Glug, glug - that's the dressing appearing.

Clink, clink - knife and fork are now nearing.

Chomp, chomp and crunch, crunch.

Oh, no, we are lunch.

We plants have quite delicate...

NICKELSBURG-LIMS: Hearing.

SAGAL: Hearing, yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Bad news, vegans. Plants can hear themselves being eaten.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Scientists at the University Missouri used a laser microphone to record the sound of a caterpillar eating a leaf, and then they played the recording to another plant. To their surprise, the plant screamed and yelled, get it off me...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...Or the biochemical version of that. You realize, for humans, "The Very Hungry Caterpillar" - a charming children's book - for plants, a horror movie.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: All right, here is your next limerick.

KURTIS: Consumers slow down on their uptakes

For single-serve treats that my club bakes.

And what they are costing, who needs dough and frosting?

We're tired of cute, gourmet...

NICKELSBURG-LIMS: Cupcakes.

SAGAL: Yes, cupcakes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

KURTIS: The woman's a genius.

SAGAL: Somewhere, the ancient cast matters of "Sex And The City" shed a tear this week. Mega-cupcake chain Crumbs shut down all 90 of its stores, laying off hundreds of tiny cupcake elves.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Clearly this is a spectacularly poorly run business. If you cannot make money in America selling butter mixed with sugar, somebody is embezzling from your company.

(LAUGHTER)

BRIAN BABYLON: I always stereotypically make, in my mind, people who open cupcake shops as, like, trust-fund babies, you know? Like, I'm going to open a cupcake shop, and it's going be amazing.

(LAUGHTER)

BABYLON: And then you go, and it's, like, four cupcakes. Like, how do you pay rent for this place in this neighborhood on Michigan Avenue? How is this possible? If you're selling...

(CROSSTALK)

TOM BODETT: It's like handmade fudge stores. It's the same thing.

PAULA POUNDSTONE: There used to be a placemat store...

BABYLON: Are you serious?

POUNDSTONE: ...On Montana in Brentwood - on Montana Avenue in Brentwood.

SAGAL: Just placemats.

POUNDSTONE: I went in and asked them if they had napkins, and they looked at me like I had two heads.

(LAUGHTER)

BABYLON: Placemats?

POUNDSTONE: They were like, this is - no, we don't have - yeah, they were upset with me for asking. I just...

BABYLON: Like the thing on the table that the play goes on top?

POUNDSTONE: Yeah.

BABYLON: Like, 1 percenter things.

BODETT: What? 'Cause they don't have napkins?

POUNDSTONE: It's not 1 percenter to use a placemat.

BABYLON: I don't know.

(LAUGHTER)

BABYLON: Sounds really...

POUNDSTONE: Denny's uses a placemat.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: All right, here is your last limerick.

KURTIS: Bachelorettes, I perk up when their pride's frayed

And I dance when the song "Cha Cha Slide's" played.

I'll wear any dress,

And I'll clean up your mess

'Cause I'm a professional...

NICKELSBURG-LIMS: Bridesmaid?

SAGAL: Bridesmaid.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Jen Glantz is offering herself up as a bridesmaid for hire. For a fee, she'll organize all your bachelorette weekends, bridal showers and hysterical breakdowns. She'll oil you up and squeeze you into your dress, and she'll stop your creepy uncle from hitting on your old roommate. Just don't let her get drunk and give a teary speech about the time you bought her on Craigslist.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Bill, how did Erin do on our quiz?

KURTIS: Oh, Erin did perfectly from Wisconsin.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Well done. Congratulations, Erin. Well done.

NICKELSBURG-LIMS: Thank you.

SAGAL: Bye-bye. Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.