Limericks

Transcript

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Coming up, it's Lighting Fill In The Blank. But first it's the game where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on air, call or leave a message at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Or click the contact us link on our website, waitwait.npr.org. There you can find out about attending our weekly live shows right here at the Chase Bank Auditorium in Chicago and our upcoming show in Newark, New Jersey on December 4. Also, check out our How To Do Everything podcast. This week, Mike and Ian tell you how to win at arm wrestling even when you're as scrawny as, say, a public radio host. Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT ...DON'T TELL ME.

IAN MURPHY: Hi. This is Ian calling from Baltimore.

SAGAL: Hey, how are things in Baltimore?

MURPHY: Damp and crabby right now.

SAGAL: Really? But crabby is good in Baltimore. You run around and hit them with hammers, the crabs I mean.

MURPHY: Yeah or mallets. But that's not me. I don't do the crabs. It's my secret shame.

SAGAL: Really? I actually was in a restaurant in the Chesapeake Bay, down the shore from you guys, and everybody was whacking those crabs with those mallets. And it just looked so horrifying to me. It's just - I don't. It was like, oh, my God. Get me out of here. It was terrible.

BOBCAT GOLDTHWAIT: These are the ones you eat, right?

SAGAL: No, these are the ones you just hate.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Ian, welcome to the show. Bill Kurtis is going to perform for you three news-related limericks with the last word or phrase missing from each. If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly in two of the limericks, you'll be a winner. Are you ready to play?

MURPHY: I'm ready.

SAGAL: All right. Here's your first limerick.

BILL KURTIS, BYLINE: In Sweden, our winters are drab. And no one is willing gab. So to share our insides, we flagged down a ride 'cause our shrinks right around in a...

MURPHY: Cab.

SAGAL: Yes, cab.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Sweden can be a gloomy place to live. It's dark 23 hours a day, and the only thing to eat is Swedish fish. So to prevent depression, Sweden's taxicabs - some of them - have started providing therapy sessions on the go. You call a cab, it pulls up, you get in the cab, there's a therapist waiting in the back seat for you. That's awesome. Work out your problems. But what if it's a short ride? It's like, oh, whoops. We're here already. Your mother didn't love you. That will be 15 bucks.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Here is your next limerick.

KURTIS: With wine, men are likely to dawdle, but we ladies go at it full throttle. With a friend on the phone or even alone, I might polish off a whole...

MURPHY: Bottle.

SAGAL: Yes. A new study has determined once and for all that it is women who are more likely than men to polish off an entire bottle of wine by themselves at home.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Women here agree. Men used to do this, but they stopped after too many attempts to chug the whole bottle and then smash it flat against their forehead to impress their friends. Here is your last limerick.

KURTIS: Though I'm old, I'm unlikely to sicken. My activities make my pulse quicken. I don't walk with a stoop 'cause I care for a coupe. At my rest home, I have a pet...

MURPHY: Chicken.

SAGAL: Yes. Chicken.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

MURPHY: (Laughter).

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: British charity Hen Power aims to combat loneliness for senior citizens by giving them free chickens to take care of. It's great. They tend to their coops. They collect their eggs. They yell at them to stop pecking on the lawn. It's great.

TOM BODETT: And they're great fun on bingo night.

SAGAL: Oh, yeah.

(APPLAUSE)

GOLDTHWAIT: If they're old enough, you can tell them a chicken's a dog, and they don't know.

(LAUGHTER)

GOLDTHWAIT: They go, oh, we got you a chicken.

BODETT: Or we got you a parrot.

SAGAL: Try to teach him to talk grandma.

GOLDTHWAIT: It's a squirrel. You know, I would hope my grandchildren will have fun.

SAGAL: With you specifically?

GOLDTHWAIT: Yeah.

SAGAL: By playing pranks on you?

GOLDTHWAIT: Sure. I would love it if someone gave me a chicken and told me it was a dog.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: It's better than someone gave you a dog and told you it was a chicken because then you'd be like, wait a minute, those aren't eggs. Bill, how did Ian do on our quiz?

KURTIS: Ian was just three and oh. Three and oh.

SAGAL: Yeah. Congratulations, Ian.

MURPHY: Thank you very much.

SAGAL: Watch out for those crab hammers. Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.