This Is Not App-ening

Transcript

JONATHAN COULTON, BYLINE: From NPR and WNYC, live from The Bell House in beautiful Brooklyn, N.Y., it's NPR's hour of puzzles, word games and trivia, ASK ME ANOTHER. Here's your host, Ophira Eisenberg.

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OPHIRA EISENBERG, HOST:

Puzzles - the final frontier. These are the quizzes of the radio show ASK ME ANOTHER. Its trivial mission - to explore strange new words, to seek out nerd life and nerd civilizations, to boldly play games with VIPs that no VIPs have played before.

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EISENBERG: Our VIP is one of the most acclaimed actors of our time, starring in everything from "Star Trek" and "X-Men" to Shakespeare and Beckett. Our VIP is Sir Patrick Stewart.

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EISENBERG: Our first game is called This Is Not App-ening and here to play it are Kasey D'Amico and Fred Strauss.

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EISENBERG: So what guilty apps do you have on your phone - guilty pleasure apps?

D'AMICO: Instagram.

EISENBERG: Instagram.

D'AMICO: My cat - I take a lot of pictures (laughter).

EISENBERG: (Laughter) I was like, Instagram's fine. Then you're like, my cat and I was like, oh, yeah. How about you, Fred?

FRED STRAUSS: Trivia Crack, QuizUp, and you can do some guilty things with just a web browser.

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EISENBERG: Well, with the other trivia apps, I just can't even imagine what you're up to. So this game is called This Is Not App-ening because according to recent estimates, there are about 1.5 million apps out there, but only about 12 of them are useful.

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EISENBERG: So we've decided to examine some of the more bizarre apps that are out there, and for an example of what we are talking about, let's go to our tech expert and house musician, Jonathan Coulton.

COULTON: (Laughter) Thank you. I didn't know I had both of those titles, but that's nice. Thank you. So the Annoy-A-Teen app emits piercing, high-frequency tones that most adults have lost the ability to hear. It's guaranteed to drive the juvenile delinquents at home crazy, as well as your dogs. Is that a real app or a fake app?

EISENBERG: It's real. You don't have to worry about that, but isn't it scary that that is real? Yeah, and that all teenagers are juvenile delinquents, I suppose.

COULTON: Well, yeah, it's (laughter) it's true. They're awful. They're awful. No offense teenagers...

EISENBERG: No offense.

COULTON: ...But you're terrible.

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EISENBERG: Just tell us is the clue an app or is it not an app and the winner will move on to our final round at the end of the show.

COULTON: All right, this one's for you, Fred. The Fart and Burp Analyzer - so have you ever been around someone that let out a terrible smelling fart or burp? Have you ever wondered what those people ate (laughter)? Well, now you have a way of finding out, and just a note, this includes a fartometer (ph) and a burpometer (ph).

STRAUSS: I'm going to say that's not real.

COULTON: You know, that is a real app. It's a real app.

STRAUSS: Oh (Laughter).

COULTON: I can't imagine it is very accurate, but it is a...

STRAUSS: (Laughter).

EISENBERG: Where do you have to put the phone?

COULTON: I...

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COULTON: I don't think they analyze chemicals in the air, do they?

EISENBERG: Yeah, you have to buy another...

COULTON: You have to buy a separate extension.

EISENBERG: (Laughter) Yeah.

COULTON: It's worth it, though. It's really fun at parties.

EISENBERG: (Laughter) Kasey, Is it dark outside? Based on your current location and time zone, this app determines if it is dark outside or not.

D'AMICO: I, like - I have to say that's real.

EISENBERG: Yeah, that's real.

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COULTON: All right, Fred, Am I High?

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EISENBERG: Jonathan's just asking that.

COULTON: I'm just saying...

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COULTON: Through a series of cognitive tests and puzzles, this app helps to determine if the user is under the influence of marijuana, which is apparently some kind of a drug, and if so, for how long. Is that real or fake?

STRAUSS: I'm going to go real.

COULTON: Sorry, that is fake. Although, it seems like an excellent opportunity for someone.

STRAUSS: There you go.

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EISENBERG: I don't know what - how you'd figure that out. What the questions would be cognitive tests? Are you using it's dark outside? 'Cause that would be...

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EISENBERG: Everyone just types how long till this is over? That's how - that should be the app.

COULTON: (Laughter).

EISENBERG: Kasey, I Don't Think So - need to reject a suitor's advances but don't know what to say? This app generates turndown lines for all situations. Settings include let him down gently, scold him and burn him.

D'AMICO: That's just too perfect. It has to be real.

EISENBERG: Sorry, people can still do that on their own.

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EISENBERG: So that is fake, yeah. I know, it sounds like a good idea.

D'AMICO: It sounds, like, perfect.

EISENBERG: Yeah.

COULTON: All right, Fred, this is for you. It's called Sunglasses - left your shades at home? Don't worry, bro. This app simulates seeing the world through rose-colored glasses. Just select a lens type, hold the phone up to your eyes and your phone will display the world as if you're looking through sunglasses.

STRAUSS: I'll say real.

COULTON: That is real.

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COULTON: I - they probably don't look like very cool sunglasses from the outside is the only problem. You just have an iPhone stuck to your face. You look like a crazy person.

EISENBERG: Shy Selfie - selfies are a necessary part of modern life, but what if you don't want people to know that you are taking one? This app hides the screen image so even when the camera is pointed at you no one can tell why you're just standing in an awkward position smiling.

D'AMICO: Not real.

EISENBERG: I wish.

(LAUGHTER)

EISENBERG: That's real.

D'AMICO: Oh.

EISENBERG: Yeah, that is real. No, yeah, nobody would use that because if you're taking a selfie, you totally want to be noticed. You're like, woo, right?

COULTON: It's true. It's true. It's - what else could you be doing also is the other...

EISENBERG: Sunglasses - getting your sunglasses.

COULTON: Maybe you're wearing sunglasses.

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COULTON: Puzzle guru Art Chung, how did our contestants do?

ART CHUNG, BYLINE: We actually have a tie. All right, here we go. Fox News translator - this app listens to Bill O'Reilly or Megyn Kelly and then outputs calm, rational discussions about climate change, President Obama and the war on Christmas. The Fox News translator is fair and rebalanced.

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CHUNG: Kasey.

D'AMICO: Real.

CHUNG: No, I'm sorry. That's false. Fred, you're our winner. Congratulations, Fred, you're moving on to our final round.

(APPLAUSE) Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.