Who's Bill This Time

Transcript

BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT...DON'T TELL ME!, the NPR News quiz. I'm legendary anchorman Bill Kurtis, filling in for Carl Kasell.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

KURTIS: And here's your host, at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Peter Sagal.

(APPLAUSE)

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Thank you, Bill. Thank you so much, everybody. We've got a great show for you today, we got Booker T. Jones, of Booker T and the MGs. He's also the greatest soul session man ever. He's coming on to play our game.

But first, can we just take a minute and pay tribute to a man who really became part of our lives, the founder and former CEO of Men's Wearhouse, George Zimmer?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: You know who this guy is. He's the guy with the beard. He's the guy who said, you're gonna like the way you look, I guarantee it. He was ousted in a coup by company's board, and apparently they didn't like the way he looked.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: So apparently, because Mr. Zimmer is gone, they're going to need a new spokesman but mostly a new slogan. We have one for them.

KURTIS: You're gonna like the way you look, if you dim the lights and squint.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Whatever you're wearing, we'd like to hear from you, I guarantee it. Give us a call, the number is 1-888-Wait-Wait, that's 1-888-924-8924. It's time to welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT...DON'T TELL ME!

AFFAN KHOKHAR: Hi, this is Affan from San Francisco.

SAGAL: You said Affan?

KHOKHAR: Affan.

SAGAL: OK. I thought you said a fan, which would be flattering, but that's not the case.

(LAUGHTER)

KHOKHAR: The best way to remember is, do you know what a baby deer is?

SAGAL: A baby deer is a doe? No, a baby deer is a fawn, a fawn.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: I grew up in New Jersey.

ALONZO BODDEN: Peter, you lost on the first question.

SAGAL: I did, man.

PAULA POUNDSTONE: Boy, when the shoe is on the other foot...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Affan, well welcome to the show.

KHOKHAR: Thank you.

SAGAL: And let me introduce you to our panel this week. It's a great one. First, say hello to a comedienne and the head writer of Comedy Central's "Inside Amy Schumer." It's Jessi Klein is here.

JESSI KLEIN: Hello.

(APPLAUSE)

KHOKHAR: Hi.

KLEIN: Hello, Affan.

SAGAL: Next, it's comedian, winner of "Last Comic Standing" and the host of the "Who's Paying Attention?" podcast, Alonzo Bodden.

BODDEN: How are you doing?

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Finally, it's a comedienne whose CD, "I Heart Jokes," is available in the few remaining stores that sell CDs, Paula Poundstone is here.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Welcome to the show, Adoe(ph) - oh, wait.

(LAUGHTER)

KHOKHAR: That's OK, everyone does that.

SAGAL: All right - no one does that.

KHOKHAR: Everyone does.

SAGAL: Well, welcome to the show, Affan. You're going to play Who's Bill This Time. Bill Kurtis, filling in for Carl Kasell, is going to read you three quotations from the week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain just two of them, you'll win our prize, our co-host Carl Kasell's voice on your home answering machine. You ready to go?

KHOKHAR: I'm so excited.

SAGAL: All right, now here's your first quote. It's from President Obama talking about another world leader.

KURTIS: We compared notes on his expertise in judo and my declining skills in basketball.

SAGAL: So he was trying, you know, to make nice with a leader who wasn't having any of it. Who was it?

KHOKHAR: Mr. Putin?

SAGAL: Yes, President Putin of Russia, very good.

(APPLAUSE)

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: This was at the G8 Summit. President Obama, you heard there, was trying to lighten the mood with Mr. Putin at the G8 summit. The crowd laughed; Putin did not. Tensions are high there. Obama asked Russia to stop sending arms to the Syrian government. The Russians said nyet. Obama suggested a big cut in nuclear weapons, the Russians said hell nyet.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: They want to be our global antagonist again. They're tired of just being a source for small arms and mail-order brides.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: It was comfortable. It was fun to have the Russians as our enemy. You could make Rocky movies about them, too. Everybody had a good time. It's hard to imagine, for example, beating al-Qaeda in the Olympic hockey.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: It's like do you believe in miracles? Like, for example, al-Qaeda has a hockey team? That's crazy.

(LAUGHTER)

KLEIN: It's harder to have a miracle on sand.

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KLEIN: We're too scared to ask for that Super Bowl ring back.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Oh, yeah.

POUNDSTONE: Did he really take the...?

KLEIN: Absolutely.

SAGAL: This is a true story. It's a true story. Robert Kraft, who is the owner of the New England Patriots, said that Putin stole his Super Bowl ring. He was - I don't know what context, but he was visiting with Putin, and Putin said oh, can I see your Super Bowl ring, which is encrusted with diamonds, it's a big deal. And Kraft says he handed it to him, like you would, and Putin says oh, very nice, puts it in his pocket, walks away.

(LAUGHTER)

KLEIN: Well, puts it in his pocket and is then surrounded by like seven KGB agents...

SAGAL: Right.

KLEIN: ...who form a human wall, and then they just deny it ever happened. But it happened in front of everyone.

SAGAL: And not only that, but the ring is back in Russia on display with other gifts that Putin got.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: This is true.

KLEIN: It's true.

SAGAL: But Putin says, oh no, no, no, it was gift, it was gift to me.

KLEIN: It was gift, and then Kraft asked Obama can you - he literally asked Obama, can you help me get my ring back, like - as if like, as if like my ex-boyfriend has my stuff or something.

(LAUGHTER)

KLEIN: And then the White House was like oh, we really, it's too difficult right now.

SAGAL: Well, this is actually true.

POUNDSTONE: Well, but that's not the White House's role. That's ridiculous.

KLEIN: Yeah, but it should be so easy.

POUNDSTONE: If the guy was stupid enough to give his ring and not say, well, give it back to me - isn't he a football guy? Doesn't he have big, burly guys with pads that could push him down?

BODDEN: That's what I'm saying.

KLEIN: I don't think Tom Brady's going over there.

BODDEN: Not Brady, but you own a football team. You send the defensive line...

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: ...and say hey, fellas, get my ring back. Like, how hard is that to do? He - you own a football team.

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: I would go out and start fights if I owned a football team. Like, what...

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: Are you kidding?

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Affan, you still with us?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Your next quote is from a disgruntled New Yorker.

KURTIS: More rats running through the streets? It's ridiculous.

SAGAL: That man was talking to the Daily Beast about Mayor Michael Bloomberg's new plan to force New Yorkers to do what?

KHOKHAR: I have no idea. Poop less?

SAGAL: Say again?

KHOKHAR: Poop less?

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: But that - talk about your powerful leader.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Did you just say poop less?

KHOKHAR: Yes.

(LAUGHTER)

KLEIN: In fairness to Affan, Mayor Bloomberg is trying to get us to eat less, so...

SAGAL: That is true.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: A natural result.

KHOKHAR: (Unintelligible) his soda ban.

SAGAL: Soda ban? No, this is part of his environmental initiatives. It's great for gardens, if there were any gardens in New York.

KHOKHAR: I have no idea. I'm so sorry.

SAGAL: I'll just give you the answer. Mayor Bloomberg wants to mandate that people compost.

KHOKHAR: Oh, yes, I knew that.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: We want to congratulate Mayor Bloomberg. He managed to find a way to make New York smell even worse. He wants to make composting food scraps and food waste mandatory in the city to make a kind of natural fertilizer. And just think about the bountiful, healthy crops that will grow from Chinese takeout boxes.

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: I just think the eight people in Manhattan who are rich enough to have backyards are not going to be bothered composting. I mean...

SAGAL: Well, the idea is, just to explain this....

BODDEN: I like the poop less idea better.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Yeah, it might be more effective. So the idea is that - you're not required to like compost it in your own home, which would be interesting in apartment buildings of a certain size. No, the idea is that people will be forced instead of putting their food in the garbage, they'll be forced to put it in separate composting sites, so it can be composted in...

KLEIN: Right, but New Yorkers don't eat in their apartments. Every apartment in New York, if you open the refrigerator, it's like an empty jar of mayonnaise and like a gun. That's...

(LAUGHTER)

KLEIN: That's what a refrigerator in New York is.

SAGAL: Mayor Bloomberg's coming after them, too, I guess.

POUNDSTONE: Yeah. Well, if you would compost the gun and the mayonnaise...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: All right, Affan, now you've got one right with one to go. If you get this last one right, you'll still win. Here we go. Here is your last quote.

KURTIS: You are correct that he appears to be wearing the rank of a U.S. Navy commander. Our personnel records do not show a person of that name who currently serves in the Navy.

SAGAL: That was Lieutenant Commander Sarah Flaherty, from the U.S. Navy, addressing discrepancies about a beloved naval officer who apparently has been lying about his rank since he first went public in 1963. Who is it?

KHOKHAR: Naval officer?

SAGAL: I'll give you a hint. As punishment, he will be stripped of his crunchberries.

(LAUGHTER)

KHOKHAR: His crunchberries?

SAGAL: Of his crunchberries.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

KHOKHAR: Captain Crunch?

SAGAL: Captain Crunch, yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Foodbeast, which is a blog, not a chubby superhero, reports the three stripes on Horatio Magellan Crunch's uniform signify he's a commander and not a captain. Commander's not a bad title, but think about when he was just starting out, the teasing that must accompany being called Seaman Crunch.

(LAUGHTER)

KLEIN: Peter...

SAGAL: That's the title in the Navy when you start out.

POUNDSTONE: How did you know that he has a name? He has a name beyond Captain Crunch?

SAGAL: Oh, yeah, he has a name.

POUNDSTONE: Horatio?

SAGAL: Yeah.

POUNDSTONE: Horatio...

SAGAL: Horatio Magellan Crunch, named for Horatio Nelson, the great naval commander, and Ferdinand Magellan the great explorer.

POUNDSTONE: Oh, you don't have to tell me. I was...

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: Where have you ever - because I've eaten a lot of Captain Crunch. I can show you the roof of my mouth.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: I had surgery. I had to have skin replaced. I never saw his - where did you see his name?

SAGAL: Well, it's, you know, it's part of the material, the publicity material that General Mills puts out.

POUNDSTONE: What publicity material that General Mills puts out?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Well, as you know...

POUNDSTONE: Do you ever read books?

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: Boy, when you're not finding out...

BODDEN: I mean, there are absolutely - there are people who look that kind of stuff up all the time. There are people who speak Ewok, right? I mean, there are - yeah, I could absolutely believe people would know Captain Crunch's name...

SAGAL: Absolutely.

BODDEN: ...and would check on his rank and say that is incorrect.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: Yes, yes, I agree that I could see where there would be people like that, but he's standing right over there.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

POUNDSTONE: This is a bit awkward.

SAGAL: Yeah. Bill, how did Affan do on our show?

KURTIS: He got two out of three. Congratulations.

(APPLAUSE)

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC) Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.