After the Sept. 11 attacks, Michelle Buteau decided: 'I better start living'

Transcript

TONYA MOSLEY, HOST:

This is FRESH AIR. I'm Tonya Mosley. In the days after September 11, 2001, Michelle Buteau made a life-changing move. She was working overnight as a TV news editor when she decided to take a leap and do stand-up comedy. For years, her co-workers had been telling her she was funny, but it would take one of the most tragic events in U.S. history to give her the courage to take the step into comedy. Twenty-three years later, Michelle Buteau is booked and busy. She has her own show on Netflix, "Survival Of The Thickest," a semiautobiographical comedy that will soon enter its second season. And this summer, she stars in the new film "Babes" with Ilana Glazer. The two, who are friends in real life, play best friends on their journey to motherhood.

In this scene, Eden, played by Glazer, has taken several pregnancy tests, and can't believe the results keep showing up positive. Her best friend Dawn, played by Michelle Buteau, has recently given birth herself. And as she's pumping for breast milk, she gives her friend a dose of reality. Ilana Glazer speaks first.

(SOUNDBITE OF FILM, "BABES")

ILANA GLAZER: (As Eden) I'm thinking maybe, just maybe, I am a pregnant person. I'm 28 for 28. I could do a 29th.

MICHELLE BUTEAU: (As Dawn) Yeah. No. You are clearly pregnant.

GLAZER: (As Eden) OK. I don't know how this could have happened. I've had sex once since my last period, but I was on my period.

BUTEAU: (As Dawn) So?

GLAZER: (As Eden) So you can't get pregnant on your period.

BUTEAU: (As Dawn) Girl.

GLAZER: (As Eden) Girl?

BUTEAU: (As Dawn) Girl.

GLAZER: (As Eden) Girl.

BUTEAU: (As Dawn) Girl.

GLAZER: (As Eden) Girl.

BUTEAU: (As Dawn) Yes you can.

GLAZER: (As Eden) Girl, stop.

BUTEAU: (As Dawn) Girl, you stop. We went to the same school. We learned the same [expletive].

GLAZER: (As Eden) Come on. No you can't.

BUTEAU: (As Dawn) Ma'am, I'm a doctor.

GLAZER: (As Eden) You are a dentist.

MOSLEY: That was Ilana Glazer and Michelle Buteau in the new movie "Babes," out now. Buteau's Netflix series "Survival Of The Thickest," which is loosely based on her memoir of the same name, has earned seven NAACP Image Award nominations. Buteau is also the co-host of the podcast "Adulting," and her 2021 stand-up special "Welcome To Buteaupia" is on Netflix and Comedy Central. And Buteau has just recorded her next Netflix comedy special at Radio City Music Hall, and she's the first woman to do it. Michelle Buteau, welcome to FRESH AIR.

BUTEAU: Hi. Thank you. Wow.

MOSLEY: How does it feel? I mean, this is - you just completed this special at Radio City. How was it?

BUTEAU: It was one of those moments, as I like to say, where, you know, Netflix is like, let's do a special. I'm, like, let's, and I'm sort of scouting New York City venues because I love New York City with - like, from the rooter to the tooter.

MOSLEY: It's your home. Yes.

BUTEAU: It's my home. And so I went to a couple of different venues, and, you know, Radio City was kind of like that episode in "Say Yes To The Dress" where it's like, I know I can't afford this dress. I just want to see it on.

MOSLEY: Did you know when you went that you might be the first woman to...

BUTEAU: No

MOSLEY: ...Comedian?

BUTEAU: No clue. No, because I know that other females have performed there. But in terms of taping a special, when I got there, I was like, who else has filmed here? And they were like, oh, no one. Excuse me? No other females? No, no, no, no other females. You'd be the first. And then, you know, I got that feeling, like, a little tingling, and it wasn't because I had too much coffee. It was, like - it was the spirit. It was a spirit moving me and saying, I have to do this. This is bigger picture. This is not just about me.

MOSLEY: I want to talk a little bit about this new movie that you're in, "Babes," which is now in theaters. In it, you played Dawn. Dawn is an exhausted mother who works as a dentist, and she lives in a townhouse on the Upper West Side with her husband, Marty, played by Hasan Minhaj. And at the start of the film, you've just given birth to your second child, and your best friend is Eden, played by Ilana Glazer. In this scene I'm about to play, your character, Dawn is in labor, and she and her best friend Eden have stopped for lunch at this nice New York City restaurant. And Dawn's water, your water has already broken, and you're leaking - something that a server notices after he serves a whole table full of food. Let's listen.

(SOUNDBITE OF FILM, "BABES")

JOSH RABINOWITZ: (As server) I would say, let me know if you need anything else, but this is literally all the foods we have. So...

BUTEAU: (As Dawn) Don't go far, though. We might need seconds.

RABINOWITZ: (As server) OK. No problem. And ooh, I'm sorry, looks like you had a little spill there.

BUTEAU: (As Dawn) Oh, no, no, no. It's just some drippage. I'm in labor (laughter). Congratulations to me.

GLAZER: (As Eden) In the movies, it's like the monsoon - whoosh. But in real life, it can be trickles.

BUTEAU: (As Dawn) The water will keep coming. Don't worry about cleaning it up.

RABINOWITZ: (As server) OK. No, I definitely will need to tell my boss that just 'cause it's fluids, and there's people eating. Who knows what's in the fluid?

BUTEAU: (As Dawn) What are you, the Gordon Ramsay of my [expletive]? Get out of here.

RABINOWITZ: (As server) I just...

BUTEAU: (As Dawn) Why do you hate women?

RABINOWITZ: (As server) I - no.

BUTEAU: (As Dawn) I need more chocolate mousse.

RABINOWITZ: (As server) I will get that. I just...

BUTEAU: (As Dawn) Thank you.

RABINOWITZ: (As server) OK.

BUTEAU: (As Dawn) Bye.

MOSLEY: That was my guest, Michelle Buteau, starring alongside Ilana Glazer in the new movie "Babes." Michelle, I think one reviewer said, it's a comedy rooted in the right for pregnant women to be gross.

BUTEAU: Yeah.

MOSLEY: That was definitely no holding back. I mean, there was definitely no holding back on what happens to mothers in their bodies.

BUTEAU: It's so funny. So just a little Easter egg, that waiter is Josh Rabinowitz, who co-wrote the movie with Ilana.

MOSLEY: I wondered.

BUTEAU: And when they wrote - yeah. When they wrote the movie together, they were - like, Ilana was pregnant, and Josh's wife was pregnant. And so they hadn't fully gotten to that other side of the mountain of exhaustion. But it's so funny. You know, someone - I've heard a lot of words like gross and raunchy. And Ilana and I just look at each other like, or honest, you know? Even when my mom - at the end of my special taping at Radio City Music Hall when she came to me with tears in her eyes, and she wore her good church wig with the lace front, you know, hugging me and all her cheap sequins is getting caught in my suit, and I'm like, OK. And she's like, I'm so proud of you. I'm like, thank you. You should be. And she's like, It was raunchy, but it was good. And I'm just like, see? That's the thing. When a woman is being honest, it's raunchy. But when a man is being honest, ooh, ain't he telling the truth?

MOSLEY: You know, one of the things I noticed - it's funny you bring up the men in the film because one of the things I noticed was that the film doesn't talk badly about men, though, as well. It's a movie rooted in these female relationships and community. And the men, for the most part, are pretty supportive and loving.

BUTEAU: Yeah, because men can be supportive and loving. They can, and they are - in my life, in Ilana's life, in a lot of people's lives. I think it's been a very easy joke to punch down on everyone. But what happens when we lift each other up and really talk about what life really looks like? It can still be funny. It can still be entertaining. You can still make money. And I think, you know - I don't know - people, especially comedians, not even new comedians - comedians that have been doing it for a while kind of subscribe to this copy-and-paste, this is how we talk about people. And I love that they did that. I love that you can seemingly have it all - a supportive husband, the ZIP code you want to live in, healthy children and still be exhausted. I love that they never named postpartum. They just kind of showed you what life could be like, you know? And so I just love the movie so much, and I think it's so important.

MOSLEY: I heard at first, though, you said no to the role.

BUTEAU: Damn, Mosley, why you putting me out there like that?

MOSLEY: (Laughter).

BUTEAU: Come on, Tonya. How dare you (laughter)?

MOSLEY: Well, you got to tell the story 'cause, I mean, I actually think that it's all part of it in motherhood, right?

BUTEAU: So I was prepping for Season 1 of "Survival Of The Thickest." I am in my 40s. I am playing a 38-year-old. I have 3-year-old twins, a loving relationship with my husband and my body. That's a lot to be taking care of. Also, I'm the only child. If I don't call my parents every day, they're like, what happened? What happened to you? Right? And so I have a lot to do, and I don't want to mess it up and I want to be present for everyone and everything. And Ilana is like, but I don't see anyone else doing this role but you. And I was like, I am a tired mom of two, and I'm working a lot.

She's like, Yeah. That's the role. This is why she's amazing, too, and having friends that do what you do, because she's like, as a former creator, starring in - and show runner, you don't have to be present for X, Y and Z. So, wouldn't it be amazing to have a hit show and a movie at the same time? I'm like, of course. And she kind of, like, forced me into it. And then when Pamela Adlon was attached as a director, I'm like, oh, I really got to do it because I love these women too much.

MOSLEY: You're happy you did it.

BUTEAU: So I'm glad I did it. I'm glad I did it.

MOSLEY: Well, I'm absolutely fascinated by your career trajectory, because - OK, I just have to tell you, like you, on September 11, I was an overnight news editor and producer for a local TV station.

BUTEAU: What?

MOSLEY: It was a small one. And like you, I was working overnights and planning to skip out a little earlier on my shift, which ended at 9:30 in the morning...

BUTEAU: Oh, my God.

MOSLEY: ...When the towers were hit. But you were actually in New York City at the time, working for a station in the city.

BUTEAU: Yeah, I was working at, and I believe I can say, WNBC. And my shift was midnight to 9:30. And when this happened, it was obviously mayhem, and I stayed - I don't know - well into the evening because we didn't know what was happening, but there was no ending in sight. And I didn't even realize that that day, I mean, would change my life, and everybody's.

MOSLEY: Yeah, knowing what your job entailed, that you were literally for hours on end in what I can imagine is a tiny dark room for hours cutting footage. I can just imagine how that changes a person so much so It made you consider a whole new path.

BUTEAU: Yeah, I didn't realize until three months later that my shoulders were up to my ears the whole time. You know, when you get bad news and it's unfolding in real time when you're trying to unpack it with your friends, that's what it was like on an international level. And then to be in a dark room with very stressed-out people, basically living in a real-life horror movie and trying to put together a 30-second video with no body parts.

MOSLEY: You had to edit them out. You were tasked with editing them out...

BUTEAU: You have to edit them out.

MOSLEY: ...In those early days. Yep.

BUTEAU: There is that thing about the news where it's like, you don't need to see the same graphic thing over and over again. So it was just like, what is this? And what are we doing? And who are we? And why did this happen? And I had just more questions than answers. And you know, for about a year, my co workers were telling me, like, you're so funny. You should do stand-up. And I was like, shut up. I love money. Stand-ups always talk about being broke. That's a no. And so what happened on September 11, leading into September 12, 2001, is that I realized, wow, we all might die, so I better start living.

MOSLEY: Let's take a short break. If you're just joining us, my guest is stand-up comedian, actor and author Michelle Buteau. She stars in the new movie "Babes." We'll continue our conversation after a short break. This is FRESH AIR.

(SOUNDBITE OF HOCKEY DAD SONG, "BABES")

MOSLEY: This is FRESH AIR, and today we're talking to stand-up comedian, actor and author Michelle Buteau. She stars in the new movie "Babes" alongside her real-life friend, Ilana Glazer. It's a comedy about friends who have grown up together and confide in each other as they take different paths toward motherhood. Michelle Buteau also stars in the semi-autobiographical series "Survival Of The Thickest," which has been picked up for a second season on Netflix. The show is based on Buteau's memoir, which chronicles growing up Caribbean and Catholic in New Jersey, going to college in Miami, working as a newsroom editor during 9/11 and how she got her start in stand-up by opening for male strippers.

Michelle, when you first started doing stand-up, what were your sets like? What kinds of things were you joking about?

BUTEAU: You know, I think when you first start stand-up, you say things that you wish you could say on a microphone. And so it was like a lot of self-deprecating things, which is what women usually, you know, go towards, and then cussing. But a lot of it was like, kind of, like, owning my sexuality and being like, I'm big boned and what? You know? And You know, and then, like, one of the first jokes I wrote was, oh, my God, rides at Disneyland remind me of my ex boyfriend - three hours of waiting for a two-minute ride. I think it was pretty good. OK? And then the other joke was just like, people always asked me how I got so light, and I'm like, hello, it's called colonialism.

MOSLEY: Right (laughter).

BUTEAU: And, you know, you could really make that joke anywhere. I've made that joke a lot in Europe, and it always feels like it's a too-soon situation. But...

MOSLEY: You're talking about your complexion, and I'm sure you're not surprised to learn that if someone Googles you, one of the first auto fills is Michelle Buteau ethnicity. People have really been trying to figure out...

BUTEAU: They're obsessed.

MOSLEY: ...What you are. Yeah.

BUTEAU: Yeah. And somehow somewhere somebody has said that my dad is half Lebanese. He is not, but that's hilarious. I mean, I have talked about - my dad's from Haiti. He's from a town called Cayes But, like, you know, if you want to pay for my 23 And Me, let's go.

MOSLEY: (Laughter) Right.

BUTEAU: But it is always so funny, too, 'cause I just came back from Jamaica yesterday. My mom's from Jamaica. And I remember growing up, I'd tell people, I'm Jamaican and Haitian and being a light-skinned person with, like, freckles, they're like, what? In America, and they're like, you don't look Jamaica or Haitian. I'm like, have you been there? They're like, no. And I'm like, how do you know what the people look like if you've never been?

MOSLEY: I'm just wondering, because you're someone who is so body positive. You seem to love your body. You genuinely enjoy yourself. Were you always this way, or was it a process for you to get there?

BUTEAU: Oh, my God. Can you imagine if I just had the confidence of Lizzo at the Grammys in first grade? No. Not at all. It was a process. And that's why when people talk to me - I mean, men, women and nonbinary royalty - when they talk to me about their body and, like, learning to love their body, like, that's a process. You know? It's just, like, learning to eat well or figure out, you know, what kind of exercise works for you, or - you know, it's a process, you know? Unfortunately, unfortunately, with age, it gets better because then you realize it's not you, there's a bigger problem. It's this unrealistic patriarchal standard of beauty that we'll never live up to.

Things are getting a bit better. I mean, I can't believe there's, like, plus-size clothing, because I truly always look like a Greek widow. It was always black. And like, I love black. No shades to black, but it's like, are those the only choices? And so it's all the things. It is taking care of your body, your mental health, your physical health. It is the company you keep, the food you eat. It is all these things. It's what you listen to. I mean, that's all a part of your process.

And so, even with my mom, who I love - I love my mom. And my mom loves me. We are, as the kids would say, Gucci, LOL. Who's listening to this? But, you know, even when I was playing a sold-out Beacon Theater show last year, I showed her my outfit. And she said, I'd prefer something a little bit more age-appropriate 'cause you're almost 50. I'm like, What? What? Still? No.

MOSLEY: (Laughter) That's her job, right? I know.

BUTEAU: Is it? And so I'm just like, yeah, even the people that love you will say something about your body, but you - the most important opinion you will ever have is the one you have about yourself. So you really have to believe that. And if that means cutting people off for a little while, you know, and having people around you that just love on you, then do that.

MOSLEY: You know, I'm just thinking about those early days when you were doing stand-up, when you were going to all sorts of places - really small towns and...

BUTEAU: Yeah.

MOSLEY: ...Laundromats and...

BUTEAU: Yeah.

MOSLEY: ...Strip clubs. How did people take in your brand of humor and who you were, who you are, during those early days, when you're going into some places that may have not ever seen someone like you?

BUTEAU: This is kind of what comedians have to have. It was about me leaving my five-block radius, the comforts of my own home, you know, taking three flights to the middle of Iowa or Idaho to perform for 10 or 200 people, who may or may not be listening, just to get that experience. It's about flying myself out to London and begging to be put on bar shows while people are like, taking a cigarette break because all of that is your training. And so, you know, I had a really wise, hilarious comedian friend Wil Sylvince tell me, once you get really good in a room, go to a room where you're the worst, you know, and that's how you get better. And so I've always remembered that. I'm like, OK, not that this is too easy. This is nice, but let's go somewhere else. And so, yeah, I don't know what dragon I was chasing. I was just like, let's go. Like, a lot of people aren't like either getting this opportunity or taking advantage of it. And so I always looked at it as, like, an opportunity to learn something, good or bad, and get better.

MOSLEY: You know, I always hear that stand-up is very much a boys' club, which occurred to me that in TV news, at the time that you worked in it, it was also this male-dominated space. But what kinds of things would you do when you were out on the road to command respect? Did you ever have any incidents where someone was trying to cheat you or shaft you? You know...

BUTEAU: Of course.

MOSLEY: ...These stories of, like, I got to be paid in cash, that kind of thing.

BUTEAU: You know, it's not just comedy. I think the - like, any job you go, with any workforce, it's a male dominant - even women's fashion. Fashion for women - male dominated. What? So, I mean, whatever you want to do, just understand that, number one. Number two, you know, I'm not good at arguing with people. So that's just not what I do. I'm, you know, my dad has always said, don't work for a thank you. Leave with a you're welcome.

So any time there was, like, a pushback, or you got to go first or do less time, or I need to do more time, or whatever it was, my whole thing is, no matter how long I've been doing comedy, I am going to kill it. I'm going to kill - I'm going to murder this set, and I'm going to make it hard for you to follow me. Whether I'm opening for you, whether I got the poo-poo spot, whatever it is, I'm going to give it my all and get everybody riled up, and I'm going to see if you can maintain that energy. And I don't think a lot of comedians think that way. I want them to. Everyone is really concerned with, like, title and what comma they have in their paycheck. And I understand that. Those things are important, too. But the most important is that you just leave it on the stage.

MOSLEY: Our guest today is stand-up comedian and actor Michelle Buteau. We'll be right back after a break. I'm Tonya Mosley, and this is FRESH AIR.

(SOUNDBITE OF THE ADAM DEITCH QUARTET'S "PLAY ON PLAYA")

MOSLEY: This is FRESH AIR. I'm Tonya Mosley. And today, my guest is stand-up comedian, actor and author Michelle Buteau. She stars in the new movie "Babes," alongside her real-life friend, Ilana Glazer. "Babes," directed by Pamela Adlon, is a comedy about friends who have grown up together and take different paths towards motherhood. Buteau plays an exhausted working mother of two young children, juggling her career, family, marriage, and friendships. And Buteau also stars in the semi-autobiographical series "Survival Of The Thickest," which has been picked up for a second season on Netflix. She starred in several other shows, including "First Wives Club," "Always Be My Maybe" and "Russian Doll."

You grew up in New Jersey. You describe...

BUTEAU: Yeah.

MOSLEY: ...Yourself as...

BUTEAU: I'm sorry.

MOSLEY: ...Moving around a lot as a kid.

BUTEAU: I love Jersey, and I've lived all over Jersey. And Jersey is definitely one of those states that feels like a nationality like Texas or Massachusetts or something. But, like, Jersey was tough. It's aggressive. It's aggressive. There's a lot of...

MOSLEY: More aggressive than New York?

BUTEAU: I think so. It's a lot of fighting, a lot of fights. I had to learn how to fight when I was 13 or 14. It's really young. You know? It's probably, like, even younger for some. You know, I went to a Catholic middle school, but, like - yeah, I just remember - whether it's the parents fighting at the soccer game or the kids fighting in school. It just - you know, I have good memories of the three high schools I went to and the people I've met and kept in touch with and, you know, us, you know, learning the dances to every Janet Jackson or Mariah Carey video and stuff. But I just remember the fighting.

MOSLEY: You mentioned your parents are Haitian and Jamaican. And I love this thing you said about your parents that they left everything they knew to come here. They had that immigrant spirit, and that bravery lives in you. You're their only child. Were either of them or anyone else in your family funny like you?

BUTEAU: Yeah, my dad is so gregarious. It's like, insane. You know?

MOSLEY: Yeah?

BUTEAU: He'll walk in a room, and he'll let you know that he's there, whether he wants to be there or not. He speaks a lot of languages. He's traveled to, like, over 70 countries for his job? He was an international auditor. And so, like, he's magic. He's magical. And he can make people laugh in different languages. You know?

MOSLEY: Well, that's a skill, for sure. Yeah.

BUTEAU: Yeah, for real. And so, and, you know, my mom is very hard-working and will quietly sort of take care of people and make sure they feel lifted up.

MOSLEY: What did they think when you quit your job to be a comedian?

BUTEAU: Whoo, My God. Did you talk to my therapist before I came here?

MOSLEY: You just let me know what's too personal.

BUTEAU: No, no, it's all good. I mean, yeah. I think they kind of saw it coming because the minute I chose to study communications in college. My dad's like, you know how to communicate. You speak English.

MOSLEY: (Laughter).

BUTEAU: Do something else. What's this for? And so, you know, I kept my job as a overnight editor for, I think, six or seven years, while I was like, moonlighting in doing comedy. It was really important for me to make my own money. I saw - no shade to my cousins. I love you, but you know who you are. You know, leaning on their parents for money, well into their adulthood, while they had families. I did not want that to be me. You know, I think my parents chose to have a small family because they wanted to be able to afford everything. And I'm like, yes, I like that. That's great. I don't want to ask people for things. I want to make it myself. And so yeah, I just made sure that I had money in my account, so I didn't have to ask them. Which was great, too, you know, because then it kind of made it fun. You know, I wasn't like, oh, I got to do it to keep the lights on. I'm doing it 'cause I love it.

MOSLEY: You majored in communications in college, 'cause you wanted to be an entertainment reporter.

BUTEAU: I did. I wanted to be an entertainment reporter. I wanted to give a little John Tesh, Mary Hart to the scene with, like, a little shoulder pad and a red lip...

MOSLEY: I love your '90s references, by the way.

BUTEAU: (Laughter) Entertainment Tonight - come on. I did. I wanted to be an entertainment reporter. You know, my mom used to get the Enquirer at the supermarket, and I used to, you know, rip out the pages and, like, go in the bathroom mirror and, like, do a little recap. And that's kind of what I wanted to do. And I remember I had a very kind of conservative professor, tell me in front of the whole class - because we were going around and saying what we want to do with our degree. And I said, I wanted to be an entertainment reporter. And he said, you're simply too fat to be on TV. And I didn't even...

MOSLEY: He said that in front of the whole class?

BUTEAU: He did. He did. I got a little hot. I was a little embarrassed, but you know, he was also like this, tell it like it is, listen to me and you'll work in the business kind of, and everyone respected him. And I was raised to respect my elders, and like, I don't want to - I already have, like, a New York accent, a Jersey accent in Miami, so people already think I'm like, way more...

MOSLEY: Aggressive. Yeah.

BUTEAU: ...Aggressive. Yeah. So I was like, OK, fair enough. And I didn't see anyone like me. So I was like - I believed it. And that's why words matter. That's why when I see people talk to my kids, I'm like, you better make it good. Don't do that because they believe you.

MOSLEY: Please tell me this professor knows where you are now and what you're doing (laughter).

BUTEAU: Honestly, if he doesn't have a Netflix password, he probably dead, 'cause he was old to begin with.

MOSLEY: (Laughter)

BUTEAU: But, you know, my school has reached out to me to apologize.

MOSLEY: Oh, they have? They learned about this, and they - yeah. Yeah.

BUTEAU: Yeah. It's not like this was like the '20s, the 1920s, but, like, I don't think there was a lot of training back then. You know, I don't think there was any sensitivity training. I think I think teachers are overworked and underpaid, for sure. And so I can't even - now that I have kids, I can't even imagine what it's like being with someone else's kid all day. But if you're doing it 'cause you love it, then just be nice. You know, don't tell a kid no just because someone told you no. That's not fair.

MOSLEY: Let's take a short break. If you're just joining us, my guest is stand-up comedian, actor and author Michelle Buteau. She stars in the new movie "Babes." We'll continue our conversation after a short break. This is FRESH AIR.

(SOUNDBITE OF QUEEN LATIFAH SONG, "FLY GIRL")

MOSLEY: This is FRESH AIR, and today I'm talking with stand-up comedian, actor and author Michelle Buteau. She stars in the new movie "Babes" alongside her real-life friend Ilana Glazer. It's a comedy about friends who have grown up together and confide in each other as they take different paths towards motherhood.

Michelle Buteau also stars in the semi-autobiographical series "Survival Of The Thickest," which has been picked up for a second season on Netflix. The show is based on Buteau's memoir, which chronicles growing up Caribbean and Catholic in New Jersey, going to college in Miami, working as a newsroom editor during 9/11 and how she got her start in stand-up by opening for male strippers.

Your husband, as you famously joke, is Dutch. And I want to play a clip from your special, where you talk about the cultural differences between you two. Let's listen.

(SOUNDBITE OF TV SHOW, "MICHELLE BUTEAU: WELCOME TO BUTEAUPIA")

BUTEAU: But sometimes I feel like I just don't understand him, right? Like, I'm his, like, sassy American wife. And he's this very polite, white Dutch dude. And I don't understand him sometimes. And I feel like he doesn't understand the nuance of an American husband. You know, I'm from Jersey, and he thinks I sound aggressive all the time.

(LAUGHTER)

BUTEAU: That's the thing. Like, I'll be making breakfast, and - I swear to God - I feel like he just hears DMX, you know?

(LAUGHTER)

BUTEAU: For real. I'm like, how you want your eggs?

(LAUGHTER)

BUTEAU: How you want your eggs? This your wife.

(LAUGHTER)

MOSLEY: (Laughter) That was my guest, comedian Michelle Buteau, from her 2020...

BUTEAU: (Laughter).

MOSLEY: ...Netflix comedy special, "Michelle Buteau: Welcome To Buteaupia." How did you two meet?

BUTEAU: OK. Well, it was supposed to be a one-night stand. It was supposed to be a one-night stand.

MOSLEY: That turned into a lifetime stand. Yeah.

BUTEAU: That's right. Yeah, I was doing a lot of comedy at the time. And I had been cheated on a lot. And I'm like, you know what? Dating is just not for me, getting to know - this is just so stupid. And so what I did have time for was sex. What I didn't have time for was a two- to three-hour dinner and listening to really boring stories. So I was not into dating at all.

I'm like - and I didn't want the guy to pay for me 'cause then he felt beholden to me calling him back or something. I'm like, get out of here. I can pay for my own meals. I'd rather do three shows in one night and figure out this joke than pretend that you and your childhood is entertaining. And so it just kind of worked out for me, I guess.

But also, instinct, right? Like, I'm not going to just hook up with any old body. It's like you want to feel safe with them and that there's chemistry. And, yeah, like I said, I don't think. I just do, and then I think afterwards. And (laughter) I'm glad that he was in town and that it happened 'cause I couldn't have imagined meeting my husband this way, my life partner.

It's so funny you played that one joke 'cause even this morning, we put the kids in the van. I was headed over here. He didn't have the key. And he's like, where's the key? I'm like, you're driving. He's like, but how did you open the door? I was like, it was unlocked. You don't have a key? He's like, why do you sound like that? I'm like, why do you sound like that?

(LAUGHTER)

MOSLEY: I'm DMX-ing (ph)

BUTEAU: Yeah. I'm DMX-ing.

MOSLEY: I was just wondering if you're ever - 'cause you talk about how different you guys are - how - if you're ever just cracking yourself up with references that he has no idea about, like, just tickling yourself at home.

BUTEAU: Oh, my goodness. Yeah, but I think we've been together so long that we share a lot of references and, like, inside baseball kind of stories, you know? Like, we love to watch "90 Day Fiance." That is our jam because that was kind of our process (laughter). And so we just love that the government has given people 90 days to figure out how sad they're going to be, or happy, let's just say. And, yeah, it's - that's...

MOSLEY: The 90 days for...

BUTEAU: ...Our love language.

MOSLEY: ...Was your story, too.

BUTEAU: Yes.

MOSLEY: Of course, you met as a one-night stand, but, yeah, for him to come here.

BUTEAU: Yeah. Yeah. I've never even lived with someone before. I'd never even had a pet. And here comes this guy, and I don't know how to say his name or speak his language. And now I'm going to be responsible for him. It's a lot of pressure. You are definitely thrown into, like, a washer machine of, like, adulthood, where you're like, figure it out. But, you know, at our core we vibe because we both have the same moral compass, which is nice. And, you know, the Dutch are very - they're about equality, right? And so that's where I'm at.

MOSLEY: People will have to read your book to know - I think I learned the most about you by learning your journey to motherhood, just the grit and what you were made of. You have 5-year-old twins. You had a surrogate. Michelle, you have this ability to put a smile on your face.

BUTEAU: Chris Rock once said you could talk about anything. You just have to make it funny. And if that's true, then do that. But if you keep working at it and it's not funny, then I think you should move on.

MOSLEY: When things get hard, you seem to turn to humor. And I think it goes without saying -the obvious - that, of course, humor is the source of joy. But you just have this ability to take it in stride.

BUTEAU: Yeah. It's always saved me. You know, I think it was four miscarriages in five years, traveling back and forth to California from New York for auditions and things and chemistry tests and traveling with needles and medicine and forgetting the thing. And then, like, my husband's got to send it. It was insane. But, like, comedy, like, kept me alive. You know, I had something to live for. I had something to do. I had, like, a sense of normalcy. And I think that's why it's so important to really - if you can do something you love - I mean, I think humor's my lifeline.

MOSLEY: Do you have a lot of women who come up to you and it's just like, you're me? I'm you. I see myself in you.

BUTEAU: Oh, yeah, that's my most favorite because I mean, they could be 10 years old to, like, 85. And there's something within me that sparks something within them. And I'm like, this is what sisterhood is. And it's not even just women. It is curvy men. It is, you know, like, trans women who are just like, let's go. And it feels like a whole different type of love in the community that, like, I haven't felt before.

MOSLEY: You've done so much so far. You're an actor, a stand-up comedian, a writer, an author, a TV host, a producer. What is your approach to opportunity? Is it hard to say no when your cup is overflowing like this?

BUTEAU: I mean, you know, I was doing it all for free before...

MOSLEY: Before.

BUTEAU: ...Anyways. I was just, you know, doing it myself and just putting it up, you know, like, I love it. And I think that's why I want to be an entertainment reporter and got into production. You know, I just really love it. I mean, even when I do ADR for my show, these sound guys are like, I've never seen somebody so happy to do the same line 100 times. I'm like, man. You can find something in a line every time you do it. That's what stand-up is. We're telling these jokes a lot for a lot of different people, sometimes two or three times a night. Oh, my God. Being in my 40s with 5-year-old twins and doing, like, the second show. I'm like, did I tell ya'll this joke? 'Cause I don't remember. Oh, no? OK, it's got to be a good one. It's a doozy. Like, I don't know. But it's just fun.

And so, you know, I'm definitely more selective with my time because I don't want to be a tired mom. I don't want to be a tired wife. So, yeah, I want to be present, but it's not - it's very nice being in this place where I'm like, no, no, thank you, and people are like...

MOSLEY: You have the opportunity, yeah.

BUTEAU: Yes. Yes, and they're like, please? More money. And I'm like, what? I should have been saying no a long time ago.

MOSLEY: Michelle Buteau, this was such a pleasure. Thank you so much.

BUTEAU: Oh, my goodness. Thank you. When do we drink?

MOSLEY: Michelle Buteau stars in the new film "Babes" and the Netflix comedy series "Survival Of The Thickest." Coming up, rock critic Ken Tucker reviews three new rock, punk and funk songs that he says are redefining their genres. This is FRESH AIR.

(SOUNDBITE OF KEITH JARRETT TRIO'S "CONCEPTION") Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.