In the fall of 2021, Nancy Piness couldn’t bring herself to pick up the phone and call her friend, even though they had known each other for decades.
Earlier that year, they had something of a falling out. There was no one terrible thing that happened, but over the years they had disagreements, differences of opinion and tension. One day, it just became too much and they stopped talking.
“I deliberately avoided her street,” Piness said. “I deliberately hoped I wouldn't run into her at the grocery store.”
This time of year, Piness thinks about her friend a lot.
That’s because Friday night marks the beginning of Yom Kippur (the Day of Atonement) — the holiest day of the Jewish year. It’s observed with fasting, prayer and deep introspection.
“Yom Kippur is seen as this really special window where if you express an actual regret and you ask to be absolved, then God will absolve anything — literally anything,” explains Rabbi Chana Leslie Glazer, interim rabbi at a congregation in King of Prussia, Pennsylvania.
“There is one little caveat, though. If you don't make right with the other people that you've hurt, then that can't be forgiven,” said Glazer.
This idea is central to the Jewish High Holidays. And in the weeks leading up to Yom Kippur, many Jews try to repair broken relationships.
“There are a lot of people who will go around,” said Glazer, ”writing up a list of all the people that they need to ask forgiveness from and that they want to apologize to.”
But this process requires preparation.
One way this is done is through a service called selichot, which happens within the week before the Jewish New Year (Rosh Hashanah). The word selichot means pardons, and the service is designed to help one reflect on the ways in which they’ve fallen short in the past year.
For the sins we have committed
On a humid Saturday night in northwest Washington, DC a small group of congregants gather together at Temple Micah. 67-year-old Nancy Piness was one of them.
Standing in a circle, they lit a braided candle, sipped from a ceremonial cup of wine, smelled sweet spices and recited the blessings that mark the ending of Shabbat. Then they filed into the sanctuary, and began the selichot service.
One of the prayers they recited is the Al Chet — a communal confession of sins which is said many times over the course of the High Holidays. It pairs with another prayer called Ashamnu, in which many congregants clench their right hand in a fist and pound their heart as they recite each sin.
This is the fourth High Holiday season that Piness has been out of regular contact with her friend, who isn’t Jewish. This year, she finally feels ready to have a conversation. And she’s been thinking a lot about what she’ll say.
“I can tell it's emotional now and I can feel the lump in my throat and I may burst into tears, which she doesn't always understand,” said Piness. When she finally picks up the phone to call or text, she said her message will be something like: “Too much time has gone by. I miss you. And I hope we can find some time soon to talk.”
Forgiveness is a process
The Jewish philosopher Maimonides outlined four steps that make up the process of seeking atonement or forgiveness. Glazer explains that the first step is to recognize the improper action and stop. Second, to verbally confess. Third, to genuinely regret the action. And the fourth is to make sure not to do it again.
For years, Piness was stuck between those steps.
“I could be in services for hours on end and think about things. But I'm a feeler, and I'm a doer. And it's time to act,” said Piness.
So this year, she finally did reach out.
“I was anxious,” said Piness. “I was really anxious. And I didn't want to pick up the phone and call because she's not a phone person. And so I texted.”
She asked how her friend was doing and if they could talk in person.
“She wrote back minutes later. And she said, ‘Hi Nancy — thank you for being in touch. I’m willing to get together, but right now I’m the one with too many things going on.’”
Piness plans to sit down with her friend, as soon as they both can. But she knows there’s still a lot of work to do, and it won’t be done before Yom Kippur begins at sundown on Friday.
Glazer advises a lot of people who are having trouble making amends, and who may feel pressure to do it on deadline around Yom Kippur.
“We talk about at the end of Yom Kippur that it's the closing of the gates and that's the end of your window. And that's more meant to inspire people to really think deeply, as deeply as they possibly can about what they've done and to really go as far as they can with it,” Glazer said.
“But also it's important to understand that if you don't quite get all the way there by the end of Yom Kippur, it's perfectly fine to go in later and do the rest of your work.”
Piness is relieved that even though things aren’t completely resolved, at least she’s taken these first steps.
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