Jon Stewart And The Runaway Bull: A Tale In 5 Headlines

This week's most adorabull story begins with a dream:

Gutsy cow bolts from slaughterhouse, goes to college.

That was the headline from Fox News, introducing the inspiring tale of an animal doomed to turn into dinner, but chasing a dream of higher education.

Or, OK, a bovine that just happened to spring from captivity near a college campus in Queens, New York.

It happened on Friday, but it was no April Fool's joke: there really was a cattle-inspired uproar at York College in the neighborhood of Jamaica. Fox News continues:

"The cow — which looked angry as she kicked up dust on campus — was wrangled by cops with rope after about an hour, students said."

But what's to become of the creature? After the amoosing escape, is the animal destined for greener pastures, or dinner platters? That brings us to headline number 2:

Holy cow! Comedian Jon Stewart rescues escaped bull after it went on rampage at New York college campus

The Daily Mail pops in to fix a case of mistaken identity — turns out the freedom-seeking creature was a bull, not a cow — and add the crucial fact that Jon Stewart of Daily Show fame saved the day.

The former fake news host — a vegetarian, the Daily Mail notes — and his wife "swooped in to rescue the stricken beast." Instead of returning to the slaughterhouse, the bull would live on at Farm Sanctuary in Watkins Glen, N.Y.

Or to cowch it in different terms ...

Bull in Queens Is Captured, and Jon Stewart Chauffeurs It to Freedom

If you're chuckling because The New York Times makes it sound like Jon Stewart rolled up to the curb like the bull called an Uber, well, it turns out that's kinda what happened.

The Stewarts personally drove this bull out of New York City and into the safe custody of Farm Sanctuary.

Now, a brief detour from Jon Stewart and the bull to savor these two spectacular paragraphs:

"New York City has a long history of livestock on the loose, as does Jamaica.

"In January, just a few blocks away from the college, a cow managed to break free from a slaughterhouse. Calls to 911 poured in reporting a "cow on the run," the authorities said. That bovine escapee was caught at a parking garage; the police at the time released a picture of its "perp walk" into a trailer. It was sent to a sanctuary in New Jersey, and given the name Freddie, after Freddie Mercury, the lead singer of Queen. Similar escapes had been reported in the area in 2009 and 2011."

Thank you, Rick Rojas; may all reporters have calf your dedication to providing relevant context. Now back to the tale of how ...

Jon Stewart saved a runaway bull named Frank from being slaughtered

The New York Times did note that staffers at an animal care center in Brooklyn named the bull "Frank Lee" — after Alcatraz escapee Frank Lee Morris.

But the Grey Lady didn't give the bull his proper name in the headline — so thanks, Mashable, for fully identifying the bold bovine.

Mashable also adds another key detail. Jon Stewart's wife — a noted animal welfare activist — "is on the board of directors at the Farm Sanctuary in upstate New York."

She's currently "hard at work developing the New Jersey location for Farm Sanctuary," according to the rescue group's website.

So ... "Jon Stewart and his wife" saved a bull? Or "Tracey Stewart and her husband"?

Well, whoever was the cattle-yst, the salvage operation was a big success. One final headline ...

Jon Stewart and his wife rescue escaped bull, calmly feed it some hay

A happy ending, brought to you by Death and Taxes.

Truly a story to ruminant on all weekend long.