'Sexy Beasts' Is Coming To Netflix, And We Have ... Questions

Sometimes, a trailer drops that instantly catches the attention of one's Twitter feed, and I started seeing discussions of Sexy Beasts as soon as Netflix put the spot out there. And that makes sense, since it opens with a scene where a woman wearing a panda head talks to a man made up to look like a bull with Carrot Top's hair.

The woman with the panda head is concerned about whether Bull Who Is Also Carrot Top has health insurance. "Could you fall in love with someone based on personality alone?" asks the narrator, as we watch scenes of people who can see every part of each other's bodies except for their heads.

"Ass first, personality second," says a man dressed as, I'm going to say, a beaver (I'm so sorry) as he neatly renders the show pointless, given that the costumes do not obscure either the ass or the personality, meaning he can continue to prioritize them exactly as he did before.

You should not think that because this is a show in which everyone is dressed like a scarecrow or a dolphin (I think she's a dolphin?) or a devil, the people don't have real feelings. "This is going to be really hard for me," says the dolphin, presumably before she breaks the heart of ... who knows, an owl or a mongoose or Frankenstein's monster. (I want to stress that if you are a person who likes to dress up like an owl or Frankenstein's monster as part of your chosen romantic life, this has nothing to do with you. This has to do with replacing your head with a bunny's head as part of a bizarre experiment to see whether someone would still kiss you if you had a bunny's head.)

OK, look. Not to torpedo the logic of a show where a panda goes on an ax-throwing date, but all these people are hot! If you want to find out whether hot people can fall in love while not being able to see each other's heads, attend any Halloween party with high-quality masks. (There was a similar issue with Love Is Blind, a Netflix show from last year where attractive people flirted from separate rooms.) Has Netflix simply reinvented the elite masquerade ball? These are all conventionally attractive people (because you eventually do see them) who would do very well on a dating app called Eh, Personalities Are Overrated. They were all doing fine, most likely, in our regular world, in which we all go out with our own heads on.

That said, I'm rooting for the dolphin.

Sexy Beasts arrives on Netflix on July 21.

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