When he was 7, a tiny gesture from his grandmother changed his relationship to God
This story is part of the My Unsung Hero series, from the Hidden Brain team. It features stories of people whose kindness left a lasting impression on someone else.
Shalom Auslander grew up in a strict Orthodox Jewish family, where he was taught to obey all the rules of Jewish written law. If you failed to do so, he was told, you'd be punished in the afterlife.
“It was like growing up in a town run by Tony Soprano,” Auslander said, referring to the fictional mobster. “You did not break the rules that Tony set. Because maybe he'll be OK with it, but more than likely, you're gonna get some broken legs.”
When Auslander was young, he and his mom used to go to his grandmother’s house to visit. As soon as he got there, his grandmother would quietly slip him a forbidden, non-kosher treat: Chiclets, the small, square pieces of gum.
One day, when he was around 7, his mother happened to see their secret exchange.
“And she got angry, and she's like, ‘Ma, what are you doing? You can't give him those, they're not kosher,’” Auslander said. “Eating non-kosher is a big deal in the world that I come from.”
His mother took away the gum, and that appeared to be the end of it. But the next time they went back, when his mother wasn’t looking, his grandmother pulled him aside.
“She looked at me, and she put her finger over her lips and like sort of motioned me into her bedroom, which was right off the kitchen. And she pulls out a box of Chiclets, and she pours a couple in my hand,” Auslander recalled. “And says, ‘Shhh, don't tell anybody. It's just gum.’”
For the 7-year-old Auslander, that tiny act of defiance, by a matriarch of the family, felt like a revelation.
"It was this sort of like crack in the wall of the prison for me,” Auslander said. “Because here was this somebody who knew what she was doing, but felt that in a way, happiness was more important than keeping kosher — than God himself.”
Today, Auslander is a writer, known for books and essays that grapple with his religious upbringing, including Foreskin’s Lament: A Memoir and his new book, Feh: A memoir. When he looks back on his evolution, and his decades-long attempt to create a new story about the role of religion in his life, he sees that moment with his grandmother as a certain beginning.
"It opened up my mind to the possibility that maybe there were things that were more important in the world than keeping the strict letter of God's law,” Auslander said.
“And maybe that thing was happiness, and maybe it was love, and maybe it was family ... And I think that I’ve ever since been on a mission to live that way."
My Unsung Hero is also a podcast — new episodes are released every Tuesday. To share the story of your unsung hero with the Hidden Brain team, record a voice memo on your phone and send it to myunsunghero@hiddenbrain.org.
Transcript
AILSA CHANG, HOST:
Time now for "My Unsung Hero," our series from the team at Hidden Brain. "My Unsung Hero" tells the stories of people whose kindness left a lasting impression on someone else. And today's episode comes from Shalom Auslander. Auslander grew up in a strict Orthodox Jewish family, where he was taught to obey all the rules of Jewish written law. If you failed to do so, he was told, you would be punished in the afterlife.
SHALOM AUSLANDER: You just didn't mess around. You didn't break the law. It was like growing up in a town run by Tony Soprano. You did not break the rules that Tony set because maybe he'll be OK with it, but more than likely you're going to get some broken legs. That was God, for me.
And I had a grandmother - my mother's mother. And I remember that when we used to go to her house and as soon as I got there, she would give me Chiclets, which were these little square gums. And I remember one time we were there that she gave me them, and my mother happened to be in the kitchen at the time, and she saw what she was giving me. And she got angry. And she's like, Ma, what are you doing? You can't give him those. They're not kosher. Eating nonkosher is a big deal in the world that I come from. That's not a small thing.
But the thing that I remember most was the next time we went back because my mother was in the living room or something, and my grandmother was there. And she looked at me, and she put her finger over her lips and, like, sort of motioned me into her bedroom, which was right off the kitchen. And she pulls out a box of Chiclets, and she pours a couple in my hand and says, shh, don't tell anybody. It's just gum.
(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)
AUSLANDER: And I think it was this sort of, like, crack in the wall of the prison for me. Because here was somebody who knew what she was doing, but felt that, in a way, happiness was more important than keeping kosher, than God himself. I'll never forget that because I think it opened up my mind to the possibility that maybe there were things that were more important in the world than keeping the strict letter of God's law. And maybe that thing was happiness, and maybe it was love, and maybe it was family. And I think that stuck with me. And I think that I've, ever since, been on a mission to live that way to some degree.
CHANG: That was Shalom Auslander. He's now a writer living in Culver City, Calif. His newest book, coming out later this month, is called, "Feh: A Memoir." It's about his struggle to create a new story for himself after leaving Orthodox Judaism. You can find more stories like this on the "My Unsung Hero" podcast. Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.
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